I don't want to grow up

I feel so distant, so away from everyone and everything. I feel like I’ve lost  myself time ago and trying to find myself again would be the longest process of life… almost as if it isn’t worth the wait.

I believe I was happy once ago, when I was younger.

When the knowledge of life and it’s ‘bigger picture’ consequences wasn’t as mentally & physically draining.

When feelings like snapping your ankle off your first skateboard, didn’t feel like a sucker punch knife jab to the heart when it occurs you’ve just been cheated on.

When fake notes to skip class because of your non-done homework becomes your newest solution to every life problem (without the note of course).

When throwing away that one stuffed animal you slept with every night, wasn’t as dramatic as having to let go of your best friend.

When frustrations like yelling & yanking on your hair because of one piece turns into silent screams, heavy breathing, a blade and a slit wrist. 

When ‘boys chase girls’ was a tag game at recess and not an emotional game with your heart.

When wearing whatever you felt like (whether it matched or not) was easy because you didn’t have people to tell you how ugly it looked.

When 5 seconds of heart break is caused by your TV boyfriend with his new famous girlfriend, as oppose to 5 months of heart break because your real life ex was fuckinga new girl.

As you grow up, you’ll face challenges you may feel untrained for. Things will bring you down, get you weak and rip you apart. Hell, even people have that fucking effect… but in a way, it’s not all negative. It shouldn’t all be negative.

To learn means trial & error. In order to find out what’s best and what isn’t, you haveto try it out.

Personally, I’ve been holding up. Though falling and never getting up is what I’d love to do. Bottom line is, no matter how fucked up your situation may be, there’s always a solution.. & if you can’t find a way out.. then in reality, getting out isn’t where you WANT to be, but where you NEED to be.