On Hold
Drowning in a sea of emotions, gasping for air is our clarity. We sink to prove to ourselves that we’re capable of feeling but how far is too deep?
Climbing into the shelves of others, nestling our way into their flaws. Finding comfort in the warmth of their darkest places. Silly to imagine that hiding in another would prevent darkness in ourselves. The eerie sounds of nothing with them, only to realize when you’re alone – it’s the same noise.
Have you ever lost who you were as an individual? Truly losing passion in all things that once made you so happy?
These past few years have been a roller coaster of depression and heartache. I gave my entirety to someone whom I believed felt deserving, lost a lot of people and my identity, destroyed and rekindled flames and friendships, and was introduced to loving myself. I can honestly say 2016 was the wake up call I’ve always needed. Going through timelines, vlogs, and blogs, it made me realize that many others were facing similar life challenges and came through the new year brand new. Congratulations my beautiful creatures. Clarity was definitely a success for many, we made it!
The hardest sacrifice this year, was leaving the relationship I was in. I desperately held on for years due to the hope I had for love, aching for that perfect picture I was introduced to and continuously promised. I was so ignorant and naive, allowing all this negative energy to pile up and drain me. It got so bad, I challenged death face to face. Settling for anyone because you see potential in the future, won’t change the truth of the present.
When you keep focusing and investing in things without question, or dismiss your soul gut of emotion, you’ve lost everything about you. The person you become is a parrot of anything that can move you. I never appreciated myself or thought I was deserving of love because of my past and upbringing. My parents were split up from before I was born and I’ve recently learned the toxicity of their relationship. I also never had the blessing of a father figure, which also made me feel insecure and unworthy of love.
I chose my path and allowed myself to lose everything in order for me to recognize how unhappy I really was. The self destruction took over, my insecurities were attacked and my love turned into hate. I went against my own values and beliefs, and dealt with the confusion of who I was, all for one person. Blinded by my loss of inner self, I let someone control me. Manipulate me into believing the world isn’t positive and to never care because there’s nothing you can do. My emotional, mental, and spiritual growth were put on hold time and time again. Constantly being challenged by them and myself, I found consciousness. I rebuttaled to the death of my being until I couldn’t any longer – we let go, the tension was released.
The irony of life despite sacrificing the essence of who I was and everything I had, I’m able to find myself again and act on what I truly desire. I couldn’t have been more thankful!
In that darkness, I achieved love and light.♡